Review: Game of Thrones Season 7 Eps 1-4

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I thought I might as well get started here, since Game of Thrones will come up a great deal on this blog. If you want to read my old reviews of the seasons up until now, they’re at my old blog. Basic summary: I have read all of A Song Of Ice And Fire. It’s been one of my favorite series since I first read it in 1999. While I have deeply loved the show, I do have my moments of getting very, very bitter over some of their non-book decisions (AHEM DORNE AHEM MORE ON THIS VERY SOON).

Previously on Game of Thrones, Dany finally decided to get her ass over to the main plot and traveled to Westeros with new allies the Sand Snakes, the Queen of Thorns, and the young Greyjoys. Jon Snow died but everyone knew he was coming back, and it was still awesome when he came back. He was like ‘guess I did serve the Wall until my death, peace out’ and left to go take Winterfell back from psychopants Ramsay Bolton. Jon and Sansa reunited, and it was emotional and wonderful, and Jon became King of the North. He’s more likely to be King of Everyone, to be honest, as he’s a Targaryen, but shhhh that’s secret. Arya was being trained in murdering folks, but she couldn’t really cut it with the No Name concept, so she peaced out of there too to come back and take her vengeance.  Cersei killed the entire Tyrell family and the sept and burned it all down, laughing maniacally on the inside. Also all her children are now dead. Guess the next part of her prophecy is coming, right? The one where her little brother will be killing her? Any day now. Tyrion is now Hand of the Queen, btw, and he and Dany are BFFs and it’s cute. See, Varys didn’t steer you wrong. Jaime is still tolerating Cersei because he’s a beta Hufflepuff at heart. Bran became the Three Eyed Raven and checked out of the human race. The Sand Snakes were terrible because they ruined my beloved Dorne forever RIP. The show will have two seasons, season 7 with only 7 episodes, and season 8 with only 6 episodes. Why? Because all of their money is going to dragons and White Walkers at this point, y’all. It is what it is.

This season started out perfectly with Arya pretending to be Walder Frey and killing every male member of his family and his supporters with poison. This whole taking someone’s face thing really worked in her favor, and I’m sure we’ll be seeing it again in the future. While she planned on going to kill Cersei, she found out Jon Snow was now King of the North and high tailed it up to the North. She only recently arrived to find out only Sansa and Bran are there. This season wasted no time in moving people. Bran came down from the North with Meera, and he’s emotionally checked out because he sees everything and he’s no longer anyone really. Sansa and Jon had unnecessary bickering and tension because they don’t understand leaders should talk privately before undermining each other in public. Jon had to whoosh off because surprise, Dragonglass is at Dragonstone and can kill White Walkers, and surprise, they need Dany and Jon to meet and probably fall in love. The incest thing will certainly cause a spin in that, since she’s his aunt and he may very well be the true heir, but shhhh. That’s likely to be Future Dany and Jon’s problems. Dany keeps insisting he bend the knee to her, and not in the fun way he likes in caves. I get she wants to prove she has authority and bring people under her foot, but she also needs to learn how to earn respect and love. You know, like she used to do a lot when conquering!

But Dany’s in some serious trouble because despite her seeming to have badass lady WOC supporters, they all get demolished very quickly. Euron Greyjoy kills the Sandsnakes, captures Ellaria and Yara, and Theon nopes out of that fight. Some people are saying it’s okay because PTSD, some people are saying he’s the actual worst, some people say what was he supposed to do die by Euron’s hand that’s how it would go, I’m mostly on the when did we start being cool with Theon train. Because he was tortured and that was sad? This is still the dude who betrayed everyone who cared about him and murdered two children. Sure, he’s paid a price, and he “saved Sansa,” but he also let her be raped a bunch before that, so I’m not putting any medals on Theon Greyjoy. Cersei gets her revenge on Ellaria for murdering her daughter by poisoning the last Sand Snake, and now she’s wandering around in this goth aesthetic. Jaime solidified their crushing of Dany’s forces by destroying the Tyrells, not before the Queen of Thorns got to mic drop she murdered Joffrey. BUT. BUT. BUT.

Cue the Ride of the Valkyries. Dany showed up just last week to annihilate part of the Lannister army. By the way, this season they’re just going ‘lol time’ and moving people where they need them to be without regard for how long it takes. I’m rolling with it. They don’t have time  and money to make sense of travel. Tyrion watches in agony as his brother and BFF Bronn are trying to survive the dragon/Dothraki fight. This was an amazing fight because on one hand you’re yelling YASSSSS BURN THEM and on the other you’re going EXCEPT JAIME AND BRONN. I went from going yes Bronn to NO DO NOT HURT THE DRAGON to YES SAVE JAIME within a few seconds. What a fantastic scene. When Game of Thrones goes all out, they really burn it up (rimshot). Right now we don’t know what Jaime and Bronn are doing, but I’m guessing they are captured. Will Dany take this opportunity to kill the man who stabbed her father in the back?

A few other things of note: Varys talked his way out of getting Dany’s wrath. Littlefinger thinks he’s going to be able to talk himself out of the trouble he’s in, but his influence with Sansa is going south now that her siblings are there. Brienne and Arya bonded, and this makes me more happy than I can possibly say. Missandei and Greyworm consummated their love and that was very sweet. Sam is doing gross things while studying, but he cured Jorah of dragonscale because I guess you can just do that now, it makes things easier when they want him back with Dany. Sam also figured out the dragonglass thing and he’s great with exposition, although not as great as Bran the Robot who knows everything, and therefore we’re just waiting for him to spill all the secrets this show needs to move forward plot. Like Jon’s true parentage. That’ll be fun. The Sand Snakes are now gone and I mean thanks again for ruining something I love D&D, but I bitterly accept them going away so they don’t constantly remind me how much you messed up Dorne. Although I side eye the hell out of the show for building up a group of badass ladies with Dany and then having them all be taken out by fuckboys. Oooookay.

Anyway, this is a vague recap. We only have a few episodes left this season. Things that I think will happen: Jaime is captured. Cersei might not want to parlay for him, could this be their break up that needs to happen? We are all sick of seeing him do whatever she wants. Tyrion reunion with Bronn and Jaime if so! I think Littlefinger’s days are numbered with the Stark kids together, and Arya will take none of his nonsense. Will she take his face after they kill him so they can keep the Vale? Maaaaaybe. I like that theory. Dany and Jon are probably going to hook up, because she said she was coming there expecting marriage opportunities, and there’s a lack of male heirs around right now. If he’s legitimized, reasonably the King of the North would be a good choice. Plus he’s very pretty. Of course we all know they’re related so we’re like this started with incest and it’s going to end with incest, very cyclical that way. Just watch your future kids, make sure there’s no madness continuing on, okay? The White Walkers continue their slow plod but the Wall will come down, mostly because everyone keeps saying the Wall will never come down, so they’re like challenge accepted.

Things that I want to happen: Jaime to join the rest of the team. Meet up with Brienne. They get married and live happily ever after. (They are both going to die horribly by the end of this show and I will ugly cry but accept it.) Is it weird I think Tyrion and Sansa would actually be a good marital alliance now that she’s older? He’d respect her and treat her like a political partner, and she’d probably appreciate that. They would be a great team. Just saying. I am partial to the idea that the White Walkers will come and kill everyone and the show will end with the cast dead, because that’s what we expect by now, don’t we? We know how this goes.

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